2005-12-10 Burning Inside: I noticed I had a few error's in it so I changed it. I could have sworn that I had missed at least one more but I can't find it, so can someone please tell me if they find it ^^ thanks 2006-01-19 SleepingDragon: I come here from the crit page so...:D 2006-01-19 Burning Inside: thank you I will run through and make as many corrections that I can asap ^^ 2006-02-24 iippo: Wow, really good work. I got goosebumbs when the door turned evil as well. And the fact that the story works on many levels: it can be just about the fact that it's not safe to go out alone at night, it can also have a religious tone ("I swear I'll never sin again") or other symbolism of darkness to guilty conscience. 2006-02-24 Burning Inside: yea I know what you mean it sorta broke the rhythm for me as well, i will change it up in the future if I remember 2008-07-13 Burning Inside: alright pretty sure that no one is really even on here anymore to notice ^-^[Burning Inside]: 233.Short Stories.Alone in the Darkness
Rating: 0.00
As I ran through the back alley towards my house the shadows lurked beside every building; inching closer as though trying to attack me. Everything seemed to have something in it that was set of the path of demise, my demise.
I knew the back alley was short, but it seemed like I was running down the long narror path for an eternity. Every breath I took made its way out of my throat like knives dragging on my inside. My legs became heavier with each step, as I could hear the pounding on the ground echo through my head.
The moon rose higher in the sky as the street was illuminated, the shadows wouldn’t back away, no matter how much I prayed that they would. As I ran past a house with the light on the shadows vanished for a second, but came back quickly growing reaching out to me as I ran further ahead.
I was almost home, than I stopped in my tracks. I could have sworn I heard a scream, or maybe it was a howl, images of ancient creatures and bedtime nightmares popped into my head, the thought of what it may be chilled my blood. Would I be its meal for the night, would I lose my life? Turning around to see if anything was there, nothing stood in the alley except for the shadows and myself “It was nothing, only my imagination” I told myself as I continued to run down the back alley.
As I reached my house I froze once again, looking around all the lights had gone out, every light down the back alley, every light at my house. The moon wasn’t even encompassing the world in its eternal glow anymore.
I was standing in the shadows, as the ground beneath my feet started to bubble. Deformed bodies moulded themselves from the rock fragments and mud piles. There were a total of six, their arms extended reaching for my neck as though to take my life.
As their fingers nipped on the goosebumps surrounding my body, the darkness faded. The light had returned, but the shadows still lurked in areas. Waiting for the light to leave, waiting for the time to take form again.
Reaching the door, I went to open it, to return to the comfort of my home, the comfort of my room, and most of all return to the light. Twisting the door handle I realised that it wasn’t opening. “No this can’t be, the door is never locked if I’m out of the house, this can’t be!” As much as I twisted the door handle it wouldn’t open.
A face began to form on the door telling me, “I won’t let you in, you’re going to die, die in the darkness.” The light started to flicker as it slowly went out, I pounded on the door, the face snapped its greedy teeth at my hand unable to reach. The lights were now completely out, light had abandoned me, left me to die. I was in the darkness again. I pounded more on the door as the figures started to grow out of the ground another time. “Please let me in!” I began to slide down the door until my ass sat firmly on the ground. My hand stopped pounding, or maybe my mind thought he stopped as I gave up hope. Tears streamed down my face as I begged for the door to open. No one would hear my plea but I still begged.
The door opened as my back fell into the light. I looked up at the tall figure standing in front of me, my mother had saved me.
“What’s wrong Alexia?”
I wouldn’t give my mother an answer, I ran to my room in tears turning on the light. I sat at my desk, my head held tightly by my arms, curled underneath the light, crying away my pain. “I won't leave the light ever again. I can't handle the darkness."
I sat curled up in a ball on my desk chair staring at the light, I would remain there for the rest of the night. I'd never leave my house again unless it was daytime when the sun shined brilliantly. The night will engulf me, I fear the darkness, and it knows that I do.
By Steve Stewart
(c) 2008 Steve Stewart
I ran it through word, looking for your missing error. You have 'breathe' where you should have 'breath'. Also 'molded' and 'realized' showed mis-spellings but that may be a reginal thing.
I think you mean 'curled' rather than 'curdled' :)
There is the redundant 'once again' that appears every here and there. Generally, it's enough to just say 'again' but sometimes it goes to the voice you want. There were also a few missing comma's in the piece.
Nice job of building suspense, throughout. I really expected an attack of some sort to happen to the main character.
Very good.
One suggestion to the story, in the third paragraph the phrase maybe it was a howl, a werewolf coming comes somehow out of the blue, very bluntly. You could try build suspense with that part even more, explain that the character thinks it could be a werewolf without mentioning the word. Something like "or it could have been a howl. Images of terrifying beasts and ancient monsters raced in my mind. I turned..." etc. I dunno why, but that part broke the rhythm.
BUT
i made a fair bit of changes to this, hopefully helped it to run smoothly and possibly more frightening. ^-^